Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?
Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man Lyrics
When I first heard this song in 2011 I was in the midst of a very ugly divorce. It made me weep for my not-so-little man, who had just turned 12. It made me think of all the possibilities that were closing to him because of the divorce: how much more difficult after school activities were going to be to manage, how music lessons were going to be an even greater challenge, logistically. Little did I know that I would be shedding far more tears for him a few years down the line, and that he would be in much greater peril.
Max started using marijuana, I think, in the spring of 2013, shortly after we moved into our new down-scaled house. We struggled with that. But other things began to happen that I tried to dismiss: cash occasionally seemed to go missing, as did some of my prescription medication. A subtle shift of attitude crept over Max. He was less interested in things he previously was passionate about. Grades, not so great before, took a nosedive, as did school attendance. He spent more and more time in his room, less time with his family. Soon he had new friends: friends I knew nothing about.
This summer things came to a head. His behavior turned belligerent and violent. I discovered that he was using much more than just marijuana. We got him into an outpatient drug treatment program. Not only did that not work (he refused to engage in it) but it actually made him more hostile.
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